“You accept yourself only to the extent to which you have revealed yourself to at least one other person.” (Unknown, but said to me by Dr. Bill Virkler)
All the things you ranted about on your emotional soapbox, the things you put in writing, the observations and insights and uncovered memories (even the most ugly ones) must be given to a trusted friend before true freedom from addiction can begin to come to you. In part, that is because when we tell someone else we cross out of fantasy and into reality.
It has been said: “Recovery from addiction is easy. All you have to do is – change your whole life.”
You are going to have to start talking about your feelings. No, not just your anger (remember, it is often just a trapeze emotion), but also your FEARS. Addiction is a “disease of the emotions.”
Somewhere along the line, early in life, you were taught what emotions were acceptable to show and what emotions were best kept hidden. And you learned your lessons well; you became a master at hiding your feelings about certain things, keeping them to yourself.
Without anyone having to tell you, you saw clearly (or so you thought) that people are not always who they appear to be, and Shakespeare’s statement that “all the world’s a stage” became a reality to you. In your “down” times you suspected that life was nothing more than a charade, and in your “up” times you perfected your acting ability.
But in the end that approach to life did not work for you. Your fantasy world kept bumping up against reality; and it was painful. To you. And others.
Now it’s time to put down the old tools: the broken hammer of anger, the dull chisel of revenge, and the ruler that never measured anything correctly to begin with. You must start over.
Welcome to emotional First Grade. Take a seat.
[If you are looking for professional help with alcohol and/or drug addiction treatment, you might consider: http://americanaddictioncenters.org/ ]